David Gandy for Autograph swimwear – Who else could put the sex back into Marks & Sparks’ trunks apart from the Gandy Candy? Launching in June 2015.
Roisin Murphy ‘Hairless Toys’ – Roisin’s long-awaited new album finally arrives. Check out lead track ‘Exploitation’ HERE.
London Pre Collections – The British Fashion Council gets behind the collections which really matter (longer in store, sell more) and make the money for designers. Happening next month following London Collections: Men.
Theo James – Who knew that the boy murdered by Lady Mary’s vagina in ‘Downton Abbey’ would become a global star and face of Hugo Boss fragrances?
& Other Stories x Rachel Antonoff – The cult US designer teams up with H&M’s little sister for a new collection showcased in a film directed by ‘Girls’ writer and star Lena Dunham.
Pyjamas – The perfect outfit for rushing straight from a red carpet event to the airport, as modelled by the untouchable Grace Coddington at The Met Gala.
McDonald’s new Hamburglar – More beef for your buns and far sexier than any man in fancy dress pushing fast food to small children has any right to be.
Exit Polls – Especially exit polls that shock the hell out of everyone. Thanks for that. 8 hours of gid-killing, soul destroying election TV right there. And we have five more years of pain to go through. Let’s #LeaveBritain.
Draper James – Reese Witherspoon’s clothing line, “inspired by Southern style, grace, and charm”. Makes LK Bennett look edgy and avant-garde (see right).
Anna Wintour’s comedy career – We want our magazine editors glacial, intimidating and preposterous, not humanised through a half-time skit on a U.S chat show.
The Ben Cohen fragrance – With a top note of desperation and base notes of sweaty jockstrap and Deep Heat, The Gays are bound to lap up the debut fragrance from rugby’s biggest pricktease.
Dior – It kills us to say it but can we all just admit now that Raf Simons is not a red carpet designer? #PrayforJenniferLawrence
House of Holland menswear – What can Henry bring to a saturated market already dumbed down to the nth by the likes of Bobby Abley and Kit Neale? We’re predicting garish colours, kitsch prints and inane slogans. So a tad like the womenswear, then?
Resort collections one-upmanship – Yes, pre-collections are on the racks longer and have higher sell-through (meaning that they sell more pieces at full price), but do we have to be subjected to ever more ludicrous show concepts and far-flung locations (like LV in Palm Springs, pictured left) based on oft flimsy and faint justifications? We get it guys, you have a LOT of spare cash to seek attention – why not pump it into your Corporate Social Responsibility strategy instead of using it to sell halter-necks to time-rich bitches with private jets?
The ‘Don’t Look Now’ remake – No. Just…NO. We like our red duffel coats firmly lodged in the 1970s. Thank you.
Barometer compiled by Lee Clatworthy (@bombfashion) and @katiechutzpah