Chutzpah’s Weekly Barometer

by Katie on November 12, 2011

A light hearted look back over the past week’s good, bad and indifferent including the “don’t even go there’s”.

Skanky Frankie’s out! – Terminally untalented Bettabuy Russell Brand Frankie Cocozza said goodbye to ‘The X Factor’ this week, hopefully paving the way for Chutzpah girl-crushes ‘2 Shoes’ to make a triumphant return to the competition. We have the voting line on speed-dial.

Ashish Ski collection for Topshop – Putting the fun into functional, Ashish Gupta’s capsule range of performance sportswear for the high street chain features lashings of the designer’s trademark leopard print and sequins.

OpenEMI and The Echo Nest – In a groundbreaking move, historic British record label EMI, in collaboration with music intelligence platform The Echo Nest, open up their back catalogue to digital application developers. How long before a forward-thinking beauty or fashion label makes their archive available? We accept consultancies…oh yes we do.
The Alber Elbaz book – Following 10 years as Creative Director of Lanvin, the diminutive fashion demigod announces plans to release a book documenting the design and production of a Lanvin collection. We’re hoping it’s wrapped up in a bow like the great man himself.
Studded nails – The perfect manicure to accompany this season’s punky vixen looks. Find out how HERE.
‘Made in Chelsea’ necklaces – The ‘Carrie’ necklace of 2011 that’s on the right side of tack and humour. And, you can personalise them to your own town or crib. The mind boggles.  Available in gold plated silver or sterling silver. Prices start from £46.00.
17th November 2011 – There’ll be tears. There’ll be tantrums. And that’s just if TeamChutzpah can’t lay his hands on Versace’s printed bomber for H&M.  Prepare for pandemonium.
Ojon Christmas Sets – Looking for an inexpensive gift with a quirk?  Ojon have released a set of Christmas Sets as an introduction to one of the best haircare brands around. With hair that constantly needs moisturising, I’d opt for the Dry Recovery Christmas Set (£15) from John Lewis. Enriched with Blue Argave Nectar, the minerals retain moisture giving softer, more replenished hair. The set includes shampoo (60ml), conditioner (60ml) and Restorative Hair Treatment (50ml).
Manolo Blahnik returns to Liberty – An area on the second floor is to be dedicated to the shoe designer’s Spring/Summer 2012 collection, along with bags, scarves, stationery, and framed sketches. And, while we’re talking Liberty….
Louison Make-Up Bags – This Parisian brand brings a little bit of bling to your handbag. New at Liberty, these beauties prove that all that glitters doesn’t have to be gold…but it might just be.
R.I.P. Loulou de la Falaise – When being a muse meant more than just wearing free clothes.
Designer shoe hire – A concept that we have serious issues with, mostly in regards to hygiene, but what happens if you end up loving the shoes far_too_much?  We wouldn’t lend our shoes to friends…Hell; you wouldn’t even be able to prise them from our cold dead hands.
Victoria’s Secret – Unlike the old men who find Victoria’s Secret shows unbearable stimulating, we find it hard to get excited about a parade of over-styled lingerie resembling Cher’s old stage outfits, despite the millions spent on the spectacle and surfeit of global modelling talent. Vulgar and tacky in that way America does so well.
Iggy Pop – Iconic, certainly, but less the face of Paco Rabanne and more the photofit of living life to extremes.
The Economist’s casual sexism – “Why should women read The Economist?” asks the mail advertisement. “They shouldn’t” is their answer. Judging by the state of the world’s economies, it appears that not many men read it either.
Tamara Ecclestone Billion $$ Girl (Channel 5)– *sigh* Not only is it a bit much and galling (for those of us who’d spend it with much more aplomb) to see Tamara spend £££s on crappola nightclubs, fawning Eurotrash boyfriends and ill advised business projects but it’s her chosen team of stylists and hair & make-up artists that makes Ms Chutzpah scream to high heaven. Why? Just why would anyone with *that* much money want to look like a cheaply made up, over glossy lipped, ‘my little pony’ style wannabe WAG with gawdy dress sense when she has the figure, the face and the money to be so much better? Guess the old adage is true – Money Doesn’t Buy Taste.
“Fuggs” – ‘Tis the season for ugly footwear. One poor journalist at the Daily Hate had her fakes confiscated by customs, and another pair turned out to made out of dog. Divine retribution for not laying this past-it fad for bad slouchy boots to rest we say.
The Marks & Spencer and X Factor Christmas campaign – Simon Cowell is the Grinch who rebranded Christmas as a SyCo product, although, this time, he might not get away with it. Hundreds of M&S customers have complained about this blatant cash-in, where the X Factor contestants ruin ‘When You Wish upon a Star’ whilst Cowell and Marks & Spencer happily massage their revenue streams for all it’s worth. It’s also worth noting that the advert’s makers seem to know the winner of the alleged “talent” contest already…..
The Gaga perfume – It’s called ‘Monster’, naturally. It smells of blood. *rolls eyes* Wake us up when she finally goes away (we give her one more album before Las Vegas beckons).
Super-fast fashion – A word of advice to the time-poor and taste-free shoppers at well known high street stores in That London who are now offered a £10 90-minute express delivery service on their purchases – you may have won the race but you’re still dressed like a ‘Hollyoaks’ extra.
Fuel “lad’s granola” – The press release for this pointless product should actually win a prize for running the gamut of ways to get our backs up. First of all, the marketing smoke-and-mirrors assertation that “men are fed up with the lack of choice in the breakfast cereal market”. These people can’t have ventured down a cereal aisle during the last decade, or even the last 20 years. Secondly, the “aspirational” packaging. We’re sorry but the day a breakfast product is declared “aspirational” is the day we put a gun to our heads. Then we have a Gillette-the-best-a-man-can-get-style boast of how this granola will assist you in “trekking the Amazon or chasing that business dream”, followed by a lazy namecheck of David Beckham, who may have ingested one of the ingredients once (this must’ve been before you couldn’t move in their kitchen for Victoria’s crabsticks). Apparently, they’ve heard that lots of women like it too – but we think that the women we know would probably find the whole concept as ridiculous as we do.
Let us know what you think of this week’s Barometer in the box below. Compiled by Lee Clatworthy (@TeamChutzpah) and Katie Chutzpah.
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alex November 12, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I suppose Angele Merkel and Christine Lagarde are too busy painting their nails to read the Economist.


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